Times, they are a-changin'

My supervisor recently sent out an email with that title. It immediately made my heart stop. My first thought was "more change??? really?". Thankfully, the email was an announcement regarding my new position at work (which is a positive change hopefully), but the phrase has stuck with me for days...

After a recent string of horrible luck following close behind a difficult season in life, I am done with change. It seems as if I'm continually walking on quicksand. What new thing will break today? What new pain awaits around the next corner? When will the floor drop out from underneath me? I'm continually waiting for the next bad thing and they just keep coming.

While I am thankful for our many blessings I cannot keep my heart from feeling like I am owed more. I'm feeling like my blessing card is scheduled to be punched and this punch is LATE.

I finally felt like life was going well. I felt comfortable and confident in my friendships. I was proud of my work and sure that I was integral to the work environment. My family was as stable as it could be. My marriage was happy and healthy.

Then friends began to journey through change and loss. My support system needed to be supported. I gladly jumped in and began cheering for job interviews and scheduling lunch dates. I wanted to be there for them. I wanted to be an important part of their lives. I didn't want to get left out.

Then my job changed unexpectedly. I was thrown into a dysfunctional situation, but persevered thinking that this new challenge would teach me to grow. I was hopeful that I would be stretched and be able to use this time to work on some of my less than favorable personality quirks.  I wanted to be recognized.

Then my family began to transition. We've faced sickness and uncertainty. We no longer function as a unit, but as individuals. So many family members are going through big life change. I have tried to hop on board and be supportive. I decided to figure out my new role in their changing lives. I didn't want to get left behind.

Then our healthy home began to fall apart. Progress we had made toward financial stability got set back. Things kept breaking or running away and hopes of starting a family soon were pushed back. Our relationship became one of co-workers and warriors. It was us against the destruction and we were losing. I wanted to be supported.

Things got messy. There have been tears most days and little to laugh about. I am carrying sorrow over many things. I've felt unimportant, overlooked, left behind, and unsupported. I feel defeated.

I keep looking at Jay and saying "I'm done. I've had enough."

I'm battling feeling terribly sad and alternately feeling guilty that I feel terribly sad. I know I'm not enjoyable to be around and I feel myself beginning to pull away, but I can't stop it. This is when the insecurity rears its ugly head and I begin to believe that I have no value. That my presence at work and in the lives of others makes no difference. While I know I'm being selfish and self-centered, the emotion will not leave. I keep telling myself that they are just lies. That my friends and family do care. That the blessings will cycle back around.

So I continue to wait. I'm waiting for this season of life to end. I'm waiting on the promise of change and hoping for good things. I'm hopeful that my friends and family will be blessed, as my heart hurts deeply for many of them. Mostly... I'm waiting on my heart to mature. I want to be the kind of woman who is able pour unending love and time into others and more importantly to do so without the insecure need to have it reciprocated or appreciated. I want to be able to face the challenges of life without falling apart. I want to be a blessing to others and not a burden. I want to feel deeply loved and valued.

After all, as much as I dread it, times they are a-changin' and so I will hope that I will be a-changin' too.